And the Oscar goes to...

If you knew me from the ages of 13-15 years old, you would know that there was a time in my life where I thought was convinced that I would win an Academy Award someday. Like, I really and truly believed that this was going to happen. Along with a Golden Globe, a Screen Actor's Guild Award, a Tony Award, and probably even an Emmy Award.

I practiced my speeches. I imagined winning. I envisioned myself on the Rosie O'Donnell Show (I told you, this was 15-ish years ago). Seriously - it was like I had this imaginary life inside my head. Had people known this at the time, I probably could have been diagnosed and institutionalized.

Ok - so maybe I was just a 14 year old with a dream that she really, really believed in.

Sure, the fame was appealing. But - for me - it was my passion for the art of acting. It was the feeling, the high, the escape I felt when I was acting - pretending to be someone else. I wanted to be an actor because I loved (love) acting. I love being on stage. I love losing myself in a script or a book - losing myself in the characters. I love trying to imagine what their back story is, what their mannerisms are, what causes them anger/happiness/sadness.

Yeah - I love acting. I was going to win an Academy Award. The words "And the Oscar goes to Monica Rusk" was going to be said. I didn't doubt it. I didn't hope, I knew.

And then...life happened. I mean really - looking back, my 14 year old self had no idea that she didn't have the look, the means, the luck that it takes to "make it" in acting. My 14 year old self didn't know that she'd get fat, quit college, get married at 22, etc, etc. Maybe someone should have told her. Maybe someone should have burst her overly ambitious mind....

But, man...how our goals and priorities change in 15 years, huh? Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity suddenly presented itself tomorrow to act in a movie, play, TV show, etc - I'd take it. But, with caveats you don't think of when you're 14. Yes, I'd take the chance in a heartbeat - but only if my girls could be with me 24/7 like they are now. There are so many things in my life - however mundane they may seem - that I wouldn't trade for all the Oscars in the world! That's what 15 years has taught me. I win an "Oscar" every time the girls hug me, or every time I tuck them in bed at night, or every time I hear them giggle during an impromptu dance party. That's what my 14 year old self didn't know.

I often start to think about all the reasons my dreams didn't come true - like my weight, my looks, etc. But the reality is - those big dreams of being a star didn't happen, because they weren't meant to. I wasn't meant to be a famous actress. I was meant to be a mother to Gabriela & Amelia! And thank GOD for that!

I said earlier that maybe someone should have burst 14 year old Monica's bubble...but no, I'm glad they didn't. I wouldn't have wanted her to know. 14 year old Monica lived in her own little world where she truly believed that she could achieve even the most ambitious dreams. And that 14 year old Monica who dreamed so big is who made this almost-30 year old Monica who she is. I'm glad that I had the chance to live in a world where I thought it would be possible to be a famous actress.

My belief back then in myself is something I miss and something I envy 14 year old Monica for. I wish I still had that belief in myself. But I'm glad 14 year old Monica had it...because she needed it! Almost-30 year old Monica has what she needs.

I'm the Kinda Girl Who...

...Is crazy about the color purple

...Thinks it's good to laugh at myself

...Can't function without coffee in the morning

...Isn't bothered by a mess & is super unorganized in every aspect

...Craves reading & loves books

...Prefers eating out than eating in

...Cries - a lot

...Gets urges to shop

...Will listen to the same song on repeat several times in a row - same with TV shows

...Laughs when kids do something naughty (out of their sight, of course)

...Still pictures myself as the Ballerina I was in high school

...Misses being on stage

...Wishes I was a doctor or a vet; or a nurse practitioner, physician's assistant, etc

...Dreams of having more kids

...Loves sitting around, eating and drinking wine or cocktails

...Secretly thinks I can sing like a Broadway star

...Needs a good nap now and then

...Wants to go back to school, but fears it's too late

...ADORES animals and believes very strongly in animal rescue and cries at animal cruelty stories

...Sucks at making decisions

...Has impromtu dance parties with my kids - in the living room, kitchen, car - wherever

H54F!

TGIF!!! As a SAHM, the days sort of run together...I don't get days off. No PTO, no vacation, no sick days. Just 24/7 of being a mom. And, please - don't get me wrong! I love being a SAHM...but everyone needs a break now and then, right? Or am I just a crappy mom? 

Anyway, this is why I love Fridays - my hubby gets off work at 12:30pm and so not only do I have him home for the next two days, I get him for most of Friday too! Woo-Hoo! :)

#5 - Gabi and Amelia have been sick all week; but their fevers are gone and I'm wiping the snot from their noses less and less every day!

#4 - On Monday, I colored my own hair. I wanted it to match my roots. And it does...I just didn't realize that, at some point, my roots turned pretty much black! Yeah, so now I have a head of black, goth-looking hair; rather than the dark brown I was going for. Good news is - after a few washes, it's not as harsh and it's growing on me. :)

#3 - As every week passes, my husband is closer and closer to being done with school! This is his last 5-week session, and on Sunday, week two will be done! YAY!

#2 - My Bestie and I are going to start doing Pinterest projects and making bulk meals to feed our families throughout the week. I can't wait because, not only will we get a chance to chat and drink wine, but she'll keep me accountable for this goal we've set for ourselves.

#1 - OMG...I'm BLOGGING! This is something I've wanted to do for a long time! Here's why:

* I love writing

* I have way too many thoughts floating around in my head

* My short-term memory sucks

* I want to live in the moment and enjoy the daily things that make up my life

Isn't it funny...

Funny, isn't it...when things "hit you." Today. I'm putting the girls down for a nap. And, as usual, I'm doing and thinking of a million things at once. So I'm thinking about how many cupcakes I need to make for Gabi's party next weekend. And - BAM! It hits me....

My Baby...

MY FIRST BORN...

is going to be 

5 Years Old 

in just a few short days.

I know, it's good - right? Every birthday we celebrate is a gift, and the alternative of celebrating a birthday is...well, you know. So, believe me. I couldn't be happier that she's going to celebrate another birthday. Every new year that I get to spend with these girls is like another miracle.

You know, I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I could tell you her "birth story" today with as much detail and emotion as I would have told you almost five years ago. 

But, God...if I wouldn't give a million dollars to go back and really live in every moment with her and with Amelia. What I wouldn't give to have kept baby books. What I wouldn't give to have not worried so much about what was coming up, but lived in each moment as it was happening.

I don't remember the day she first smiled. But I remember the way my heart felt. I don't remember when she first crawled, but I remember the day she crawled over to a box of Kleenex and took each tissue out of the box. I don't remember the day she started walking, but I remember how much pride and love I felt the first time she walked into my arms for a big bear hug. 

So, today I cried a bit. I mourned the passing of one stage for the next. I relived moments that made me happy, and sad. I gave thanks for every second of every day with these little girls. I smiled as I wiped my tears away. I laughed as I thought about the mess I will be when she graduates high school! 

And then, finally after my little breakdown - it was quick, but it was a doozy; I made myself a promise. I made my girls a promise. To live in each moment. To blog my stories, thoughts, and memories. To appreciate each second for what it is - a gift!

I probably won't be prepared the next time a random wave of emotions hit me - I am Monica, afterall. I just think it's funny...how a mundane task can give you a quick peek at the bigger picture.

Introduction

Well - I've never done this before. I feel like a junior high student who is about to write in her diary for the first time. But, I need a spot to purge my thoughts, record memories, share the funny and crazy things that my children do. So, here it is! My Jar of Hearts!

I'm Monica.

I'm a wife. My husband and I dated off and on through high school, then consistently while I was in college and he was in the Navy. We married in July of 2006. He's my best friend.

I'm a mom. I have two precious daughters. My first was born in March of 2008, and my second was born in November of 2010. Gabriela Lucia, and Amelia Jane. My Girls, my world.

I'm a daughter. I have the best four parents in the universe! Yep, four. Mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad. I'll probably get to that someday...but just now for right now that I love those four people more than I can say.


I'm a sister. I have a brother who's 4.5 years younger than me, and a sister who is 14 years younger than me. I also have two sisters-in-law (who, despite our ups and downs, I love like my own sisters - having known them since they were literally little kids, they've become my sisters). And, I have a sister-in-law-to-be! She and my brother might as well be married, and since there's not a term for "my brother's girlfriend" that actually encompasses what she means to me, I refer to her as my sister-in-law also. My little sister is not married, or close to being married, and it better stay that way for a long time! ;-)

I'm a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a daughter-in-law (though my in-laws would probably deny that fact), etc. My family is, literally, spread out all over the world.

I'm a friend. I am one of those people who doesn't have a lot of friends. I have a few close friends; several friends that I don't talk to nearly often enough, but with whom I could catch up at any time, as though no time had passed. I've also formed a very close circle of Facebook friends...people that I met in one way or another, that I may not see or speak to in a physical sense...but people from whom I get a great deal of support, encouragement, and friendship.

And then there's just me...the girl who loves deeply (sometimes too deeply), who suffers from anxiety, who fears separation and death. The girl that would do anything for her friends and family. The girl who is compassionate to a fault. The girl who is terrified of bats, rodents, and cotton balls (yeah, you read that correctly). The girl who loves politics, travel, good books and deep conversation. The girl who above all else, just wants to leave this world a better place.