And the Oscar goes to...

If you knew me from the ages of 13-15 years old, you would know that there was a time in my life where I thought was convinced that I would win an Academy Award someday. Like, I really and truly believed that this was going to happen. Along with a Golden Globe, a Screen Actor's Guild Award, a Tony Award, and probably even an Emmy Award.

I practiced my speeches. I imagined winning. I envisioned myself on the Rosie O'Donnell Show (I told you, this was 15-ish years ago). Seriously - it was like I had this imaginary life inside my head. Had people known this at the time, I probably could have been diagnosed and institutionalized.

Ok - so maybe I was just a 14 year old with a dream that she really, really believed in.

Sure, the fame was appealing. But - for me - it was my passion for the art of acting. It was the feeling, the high, the escape I felt when I was acting - pretending to be someone else. I wanted to be an actor because I loved (love) acting. I love being on stage. I love losing myself in a script or a book - losing myself in the characters. I love trying to imagine what their back story is, what their mannerisms are, what causes them anger/happiness/sadness.

Yeah - I love acting. I was going to win an Academy Award. The words "And the Oscar goes to Monica Rusk" was going to be said. I didn't doubt it. I didn't hope, I knew.

And then...life happened. I mean really - looking back, my 14 year old self had no idea that she didn't have the look, the means, the luck that it takes to "make it" in acting. My 14 year old self didn't know that she'd get fat, quit college, get married at 22, etc, etc. Maybe someone should have told her. Maybe someone should have burst her overly ambitious mind....

But, man...how our goals and priorities change in 15 years, huh? Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity suddenly presented itself tomorrow to act in a movie, play, TV show, etc - I'd take it. But, with caveats you don't think of when you're 14. Yes, I'd take the chance in a heartbeat - but only if my girls could be with me 24/7 like they are now. There are so many things in my life - however mundane they may seem - that I wouldn't trade for all the Oscars in the world! That's what 15 years has taught me. I win an "Oscar" every time the girls hug me, or every time I tuck them in bed at night, or every time I hear them giggle during an impromptu dance party. That's what my 14 year old self didn't know.

I often start to think about all the reasons my dreams didn't come true - like my weight, my looks, etc. But the reality is - those big dreams of being a star didn't happen, because they weren't meant to. I wasn't meant to be a famous actress. I was meant to be a mother to Gabriela & Amelia! And thank GOD for that!

I said earlier that maybe someone should have burst 14 year old Monica's bubble...but no, I'm glad they didn't. I wouldn't have wanted her to know. 14 year old Monica lived in her own little world where she truly believed that she could achieve even the most ambitious dreams. And that 14 year old Monica who dreamed so big is who made this almost-30 year old Monica who she is. I'm glad that I had the chance to live in a world where I thought it would be possible to be a famous actress.

My belief back then in myself is something I miss and something I envy 14 year old Monica for. I wish I still had that belief in myself. But I'm glad 14 year old Monica had it...because she needed it! Almost-30 year old Monica has what she needs.